Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Schadenford's Tuesday AM presser revealed

TRAWNA – (GOSH  News Services) -- At a Media presser called for
this morning by disgraced Mayor Schadenford of Etobicoke, the following
exchange happened. It was recorded by writer Stuart Wade (our apologies
for rewriting his masterpiece):
A dozen reporters crowded into the cramped space. At the rear of the
media horde were several television cameras, with TV lights shining
across to illuminate Schadenford, the disgraced Mayor Of Etobicoke.
He stood behind a microphone-strewn lectern to address the media.
Schadenford:  "We all know that there's a specific piece of
information in question here. And with regard to it, let me first state
that I know you all would like for me to say what we all think I'm
coming before you to say. I would like to make it very clear, however,
that I do not intend to say it. In addition, I will neither confirm nor
deny it. So now that we all understand each other, are there any
Brett Grimsby of GOSH News Services: "Will you say what we want
you to say?"
Schadenford: "Not exactly as you would have me say it. [pointing to a scrum survivor]
Yes -- over there?"
Survivor: "Is the thing we all want you to say, in fact, true?"
Schadenford: "I'm not saying whether it is or it isn't. It would be
premature to judge that."
Grimsby: "A supplemental: since you're not saying the precise thing we
all want you to say, will you say it, but in a slightly different way?"
Schadenford: "You mean in a way that would have the same meaning as the way
you would all want me to say it?"
Grimsby: "That is correct."
Schadenford: "I'm not prepared at this time to do that. [made eye contact
with the Ontario Review Writer] Yes?"
ORW: "If you won't say what we all would like you to say, or if you
won't say it in a slightly different way, will you at least say one or
a couple of parts of what we all want you to say?"
Schadenford: "If there is a situation where that would become prudent for
me to say part or parts of what you all want me to say, I would, yes.
But now is not the time."
Grimsby: "When will it be time?"
Schadenford: "I don't know the answer to that. I want to add something at
this point, before we continue. There are some people involved behind
the scenes with this thing who deserve to be recognized for all their
hard work. This thing has been a team effort all the way, and thanks to
them, a real win-win situation as well. [pointed to ORW] Yes, go ahead."
ORW: "This information that we all want you to disclose -- might one of
us be able to trick you into divulging what we all want you to say?"
Schadenford: "If I am slow-witted at that moment, or if I'm not being too
careful in choosing my words right then, and if one of you people
displays extremely shrewd questioning skills, then yes, it is possible.
Of course, I may even flip-flop into a drunken stupor as I have done in the past, so don't
take me at my word. [eyes shielded from the glare of the lights] Yes --
all the way in the back there...you, Miss."
Woman: "I think I know the information we all want you to say but that
you aren't saying, and here it is [she says something inaudible about a
soft drink video, maybe she needs a Coke?]. Isn't that right?"
Schadenford: [angrily reaching for a soft drink, holding it up] "Do you
expect me to answer that? Next question."
Grimsby: "When can we expect you to say what we all want you to say?"
McGinty: "Relatively soon."
ORW: "Can you be more specific?"
Schadenford: "Well, we are expediting this process so I would imagine
sooner than you might think, but I don't want to mislead any of you as
to exactly when. Yes, you in front…"
GOSH Reporter: "I heard some experts giving their opinions about the
information we all want you to say. Can you respond to these expert
Schadenford: "Well, I can't speculate on others' comments. And, I'm not an
expert. [looked over to media who are twittering] I have time for one
more question. In the middle there, yes -- you sir?" [pointed to
bearded man standing in center of group].
Beard: "Does the fact that I might have to ask the correct question have anything to do with your
unwillingness to be specific?"
The media conference immediately dissolves into noisy chaos.

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